It’s meant to be a short term measure for long term happiness – for parents and babies!
I used a modified cry-it-out method with Ethan, which worked after about a week. But I was pleased when Elijah seemed like he was able to self soothe and sleep for hours and hours, all by himself!
That changed a few months ago, when Elijah had a bad bout of flu. His nose was stuffy, and his chesty cough was pretty bad. But since he was only 4 months old at the time, there were few medications that he could take to relieve the symptoms.
During those weeks, he started waking up a few times each night.
And the night wakings continued. Even when he got better.
Here we are at 8 months, and at a time when sleep should be getting better, it’s actually getting worse!
So, 2 nights ago, when he woke up at 2.26am, I let him cry. And cry. And cry. For almost half an hour, EJ and I listened to the wails of our little angel baby who hardly cries- ever. And when Elijah finally went to sleep, so did we, with heavy, guilt-ridden hearts.
But guess what? Last night, Elijah slept all the way from about 10pm until 7am this morning! I know it’s getting my hopes up a little early, but for the first time in months, I could sleep for more than 3 hours at one go. And it feels GREAT.
Have you felt guilty about letting your child cry it out? (Or other sleep training methods) A recent study showed that, perhaps, our guilt has been unfounded!
Both graduated extinction and bedtime fading provide significant sleep benefits above control, yet convey no adverse stress responses or long-term effects on parent-child attachment or child emotions and behavior.
As a psychologist friend of mine said, as long as the sleep training intervention is BRIEF, it is unlikely to cause long-term psychological damage to the child. Children who have attachment issues usually have had long term and consistent experiences of neglect.
So, my fellow imperfect parents, may you persevere through the sleep debt, and emerge from these years with your sanity intact!
There were over 152 million blogs in 2013. A blog is created every half a second. Today, according to Worldometers, over 4 million blog posts have already been written.
Being fairly introverted with a barely-breathing Facebook, Twitter and Instagram account, I’m gaining a very great appreciation for those who put in a lot of thought (and even research) into their online content.
But recently, I’ve also spoken to some who have a very bad impression of bloggers. Those who were in the service sector, or those that wanted to do business collaborations with bloggers, felt that some bloggers came across as arrogant, with a sense of entitlement (wanting freebies or getting special service), and there was an underlying threat of online bullying if their whims and fancies were not satisfied.
As John C. Maxwell says, “there’s no such thing as business ethics. There’s only ethics.”
One of our problems is that ethics is never a business issue or a social issue or a political issue. It is always a personal issue.
John C. Maxwell
Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should.
There’s a great series about blogging by Focus on the Family, which talks about some basic disciplines when blogging – maturity, self-control (amen to that!), accountability and humility. You can find it here. In the article, it writes “the Lord Jesus Christ is looking over our shoulders as we type, and we are one day going to be accountable to Him for every word.”
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
You’re trying to cope with a newborn, lack of sleep, sore boobs, inflamed wrists and stretch marks. And on top of that, there’s all that extra weight to lose! Who’s going to find the time to exercise? There’s barely enough time to take a shower!
I’ve been there. And for some things on that list, I’m STILL there!!
For both pregnancies, I gained about 15 kg. Although I knew that I would put on weight, seeing the number on the scale was always a shocker and I wondered if I would ever be able fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again, or if I was doomed to a life of yoga pants and baggy tops.
After both pregnancies, it took me about 7-8 months to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. And after the first pregnancy, I actually continued to lose a bit more weight before I got pregnant with Elijah.
Since hitting my pre-pregnancy weight a few weeks ago, and being able to pack away some of the very unflattering maternity clothes, I’ve had a couple of people ask me about how to lose the baby weight, and especially the extra folds around the tummy.
So here are my slow-and-steady tips for getting back into pre-baby shape:
Be patient and ignore negative comments
It took 9 months to put on the weight. It will take a little while to get it off! Ignore people who may mistake you for still being pregnant, or who make rude remarks. You are on your own timeline, so don’t get discouraged.
Use a corset/abdominal binder
This is a tip from my mum, who had 3 kids and is now 61 years old and just as slim as she was when she got married at 23!
I used the belly bandit bamboo for about a 3+ weeks postpartum. I was aiming for a month, but I didn’t have enough perseverance! It can get hot and uncomfortable after many hours of wearing it. And the velcro section does bulge out and can be seen through clothes.
If you have the will-power, you can be like actress Jessica Alba, who wore a double corset 24/7, for three months!!!
Use a measuring tape, not the weighing scale
I used a measuring tape to measure my waist circumference. Numbers on a measuring tape just don’t affect me as much, emotionally. So it didn’t send me on a this-is-never-going-to-work-I’ll-just-give-up-and-eat-a-jar-of-peanut-butter binge. With time, you could probably guestimate your weight based on your waistline measurement. But a 0.1 inch increase on a measuring tape somehow doesn’t feel as bad as a 0.1 kg increase on the weighing scale!
Yes, you use a few hundred calories to produce breastmilk. But the reason I think this helped me was because I was often directly latching my baby. It was just really troublesome trying to eat with one hand (especially when it’s the left hand), and manage a fidgety baby underneath a stuffy nursing cover.
On those occasions when the baby was sleeping during a mealtime, I would still try to rush through the meal, in case he woke up. There was no time to hang around the table and take seconds… or even dessert!
Eat protein in the morning, and throughout the day
I didn’t follow a particular diet plan, but eating protein (a lot more than you think you need – about 1 gram of protein per pound of body weight) helped to reduce the bloated post-carb feeling. Eggs, chicken, beef, pork, even protein shakes and protein bars when I had to grab a quick bite.
Because I didn’t do any structured kind of exercise (like going to the gym or doing some sport), having enough protein was even more critical, to make sure I minimised the loss of muscle mass.
Eat minimal processed carbs
These were easy to grab, and I love my carbs! Cutting down on rice, bread and pasta was actually not as difficult as resisting the cakes and snacks that well-meaning visitors would bring! But they do make me retain water, so I tried to keep these to a minimum.
Don’t use a stroller
Carrying the baby in a carrier or in your arms not only promotes bonding and other emotional benefits for the baby, but it is also tiring. Strapping a 15-20 pound weight to your body is like wearing a weighted vest all day!
Play a lot of physically demanding games with your child
Piggyback rides, lifting them high above your head, swinging them… they’ll love it, and you get a workout!
Work with a personal trainer
Ideally, you also fit in some time to do a proper workout. You would want someone experienced to help you, especially if you’ve had a C-section, or a condition like diastasis recti. You should look for a customised a program, which includes advice on what to eat so that you can breastfeed without worrying about whether this supplement or that food is going to affect your milk.
Genesis Gym has a team of professional coaches, led by Master Coach Jon (aka my brother!) who have helped many women from pre-pregnancy, during pregnancy, and post-pregnancy, to be in the best of health. A lot of what I know and tried, is based on what I’ve learned from them.
But do remember that being healthy is more than just a number, so start with the right habits, and the weight loss will follow!
Do you have any tips for losing weight after giving birth?
What’s your biggest challenge when it comes to losing weight, and keeping it off?
No hitting. No biting. No snatching. No pushing. No pinching. No kicking. Share. Be polite. Wait your turn.
Have you had to repeat those words hundreds of times to your egocentric toddler? I have! And so, to challenge him to develop more kindness and compassion to others, here is a list of 21 things we will be doing this week, as a self-declared Kindness Week for the Lims.
Give drinks to the construction workers outside our home
Prepare a bag of snacks to give the other children in his playgroup
Make a thank you note for his teachers
Make breakfast for grandparents
Choose a toy from his collection to give to baby Elijah
Give daddy a massage
Give mummy a massage
Read the newspaper and pray for someone who was affected by a tragic event
Pick up litter and put it into the rubbish bin
Bring a welcome gift to any new neighbours
Make a thank you note for the local fire station
Make a thank you note for the local police station
Make a thank you note for our helper
Bring flowers to a nursing home and distribute it to the residents
Bring snacks to the playground for other children
Help to give baby Elijah a bath
Bring some snacks and visit great grandma
Wash daddy’s car
Record a video note and send it his Godparents
Make a drawing for his aunt who is not feeling well
Bake cookies for his cousins
Do you have other ideas for Acts of Kindness that a toddler can do?
“The reason a compassionate lifestyle leads to greater psychological well-being may be explained by the fact that the act of giving appears to be as pleasurable, if not more so, as the act of receiving.”
Since I was very young, perhaps about 5 years old, I remember my parents helping the poor and needy. My first memories were when we were living in Hong Kong, and they were involved in St Stephen’s Society – an outreach to drug addicts and homeless people. My mum would cook meals for them, and we would go to the halfway houses to visit them. My dad spent time with them, and counselled them.
As I grew older, I began volunteering at children’s camps, overseas mission trips and local youth work. But in the last few years, with the arrival of the children and the resulting lack of time and sleep, I’ve stopped volunteering. And, sadly but not surprisingly, my worldview has become more myopic. I find myself so caught up in the little things, that I’m grumpier and less grateful than before.
Ethan, being all of 2 years old, is showing a mixture of the typical, developmentally accepted norm of being selfish and concerned only about his own needs. Yet, he is also compassionate. When Elijah cries, Ethan gives him a hug. When his cousin Gabriel vomited the other day, Ethan’s bedtime prayer was that “Gabriel, no vomit. Isaac (another cousin), no vomit. Mummy, no vomit. Daddy, no vomit. Everybody, no vomit”
A study by Lara Aknin and colleagues at the University of British Columbia shows that even in children as young as two, giving treats to others increases the givers’ happiness more than receiving treats themselves.
So, like a muscle that needs to be built up and used, I want to provide the opportunities for the boys to nurture their compassionate “instinct”.
Finding volunteer opportunities with young children isn’t as easy as I thought. Many organisations have a minimum age of at least 4 or 6 years old. I also wanted to do something that Ethan shows a bit of interest in already.
I’ve found a few that may fit what I’m looking for.
Ethan likes dogs, and I’m a therapist by training. So this seems like a pretty good place to start. The only problem is… we don’t own a dog! And their website says that they have enough ‘humans-without-dogs’ volunteers, and they need more volunteers with dogs.
There are quite a few organisations that need befrienders. But one stood out. The Tan Tock Seng Hospital Mobile Library brings books, magazines and DVDs to patients to relieve them of boredom, and at the same time, break the ice and make some friendly conversation with them. Ethan likes to read, and TTSH of course has a special place in my heart because I worked there for a number of years.
I’ll start making some phone calls and enquiries tomorrow. Really excited to see how EJ, the boys and I can get involved in serving our community!
What are some ways that you teach your children compassion?
Any tips and advice about volunteering with young ones?
In the delivery suite, Elijah was cleaned up, weighed (2.4kg. not bad!) and measured. A pediatrician came to see him as well. Elijah was breathing on his own, but he was breathing rapidly and it looked like it was a struggle. The doctor gave him oxygen through a mask, and they had to take him to the NICU.
I was relieved that we had reached the hospital and Elijah was in good hands. The gynae came soon after, and was also shocked that I had given birth barely 2 hours after she had seen me and said that I should just “rest at home”. I was also her first patient who delivered in a car! She did some checks, stitched up the minor tears, and I was soon allowed to go to the ward. I was discharged the following day.
Elijah’s adventure lasted much longer than mine.
He was under observation for his breathing, because although he could do it on his own without any assistance, it was getting more and more difficult. The pediatrician felt it was going to leave him completely exhausted. So they started giving oxygen.
Over the next day or so, the medical team tried to reduce Elijah’s dependence on the oxygen that the machines provided, but his SpO2 (the amount of oxygen in his blood) would drop each time, and there was little progress.
Since Elijah was in the NICU, there were very strict visiting hours. EJ and I would visit him a few times a day, going back and forth from the hospital to home, in between work. I was also busy expressing milk to establish a good supply. All of the milk had to be frozen because Elijah could only be fed milk once his breathing was stabilised.
It was heartbreaking to see such a little human being connected to so many tubes and machines. We could see his chest heaving, as he tried to breathe. He was such an amazing fighter.
The team of doctors decided that progress was too slow, and Elijah’s lungs needed a little jumpstart to start working as they should. He was given 2 doses of lung surfactant, which finally eased his breathing and started him on the road to being discharged. Lung surfactant is derived from calf lung surfactant extract. So, Elijah will be as strong as a bull!
Finally, after about 4 days of just being on an IV drip, he was given some milk by tube feeding- a measly 3ml! But the amount rapidly increased as the days went on. And he got stronger, and started to breathe with less help.
Every morning and evening, EJ and I would wait for a phone call from the doctor, giving us updates about what procedures had been done, and how Elijah was progressing. When he could drink from a milk bottle on day 7, we knew he would be home soon.
Elijah still has to go for check ups every 6-9 months for some minor issues that require follow up. Even these should be coming to an end by the time he is about 2 years old.
Today, Elijah is a happy 7.5 month old. He is an absolute angel baby. He sleeps well, feeds well, and is always ready to smile – even when he was having a bout of flu recently! I’ve been incredibly blessed. Grow up strong and healthy, wise and kind, my little one!
I’ve been blessed with very smooth pregnancies. With #2, I had mild morning sickness and tiredness, but overall I felt good, and kept active with occasional workouts and running around with my toddler.
EJ and I always choose not to find out our baby’s gender. So we could only make guesses, and have others use a cocktail of old wives tales to tell us what they thought. About 80% were guessing it was a girl. Even the delivery man! (because Ethan has inverted nipples???)
Ethan’s birth was pretty fast, so we were expecting the 2nd one to also come quite quickly. We even joked about giving birth at home, and I read up about what to do during an unplanned home birth. I started packing my hospital bag at 32 weeks, and we went for the hospital tour so we would know what to do when I was in labour. EJ and I were in discussions with our doctor about how he could film the birth, because there’s a lot of red tape in hospitals. EJ also had to decide whether to take a job that required him to travel the week after my due date. We were still expecting our baby to be born at full term, since everything was progressing normally.
Then when I just hit 34 weeks (on 29 September 2015), we were due for our gynae appointment. That morning, I started having contractions, which I thought were braxton hicks. They were quite mild-moderate but not regular, so I attributed it to overexerting myself the previous day. And I had my appointment at 11am anyway, so I could just check with the doctor then.
Here’s what happened…
11am. As usual, we took Ethan along for the appointment. I told the doctor that I was having contractions. She did the ultrasound, and also did an internal check. All looked good, and she said Baby was going to stay in there for a few more weeks. We talked about medication to ease the contractions, but agreed that we could wait and see if they got more severe. I don’t like taking any kind of medication when I’m pregnant and breastfeeding, because of the risk that it might affect the child.
12pm. We went to my mum’s place, which is where I do most of my work while she helps to take care of Ethan. The contractions became worse and EJ called the clinic to ask if we should come back and get the medication. The doctor said that it may have become worse because of the internal check, and I should just rest at home for a while. EJ almost left to do some errands because I told him that everything would be ok and I just needed to rest. Thankfully he didn’t listen to me and decided to hang around, because that’s when it became like a scene from the movies.
1230pm. I went to the toilet, and out came the mucous plug. That’s when I said we HAD TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL. I asked my mum to get a towel, because I didn’t want to get the car dirty if my water bag burst. She gave me 1 towel (If you are ever in that situation, bring 10 towels!!) In between contractions, I managed to clamber up into the backseat of the Toyota Fortuner. My mum went to get changed so she could come along, but as we waited in the car, things were escalating and I said we really had to go, and we drove off without telling my mum!
Traffic was heavy, and we slowly moved along, trying to get onto the highway. I had very strong urges to push, and told (well, yelled at…) EJ that I didn’t think we could make it! He asked “can you hold it in??” erm. No.
He turned around and saw the baby crowning.
1245pm-ish. I gave a push, and felt a gush of liquid coming out. And, together with the liquid and blood, came a little baby. He kind of slid out. It was incredible. I didn’t really believe what was happening. I hit Baby on the back a few times (like a true ER fan), and baby started to cry. *sighs of relief that he was breathing*
EJ pulled over to the side road, and we looked around to see if there were any neighbourhood clinics nearby. There were none. And there were actually hardly any people on the road! I wrapped the baby in an extra t-shirt that EJ kept in his car, but before that, I took a peek… we had a BOY!
EJ tried to call the ambulance, but couldn’t get through (!!). He called his dad, to help us contact the hospital and alert them that we were coming. EJ then got through to the police, who redirected us to the paramedics. I had to hold my newborn son, while also holding the phone and answering many questions about the baby’s appearance, and the pregnancy.
We got to the hospital, and there was a nurse waiting for us. She cut the umbilical cord, took the baby, and an assistant helped me into a wheelchair and we made our way to the delivery suite…
In Part 2, I’ll tell you more about what happened after that.
But here are some FAQs that people have when they find out about the birth:
Who delivered the baby?
I did! I was the only one at the backseat. Thankfully, Ethan was at my mum’s place. I can’t imagine what he would have done if he was in the car too! I was sitting slightly sideways, so when the baby came out, I could guide him onto the seat and then into my arms.
Was the car bloody?
Yes. VERY. EJ spent the afternoon cleaning it up. And even today we sometimes find a few spots of blood which had gone unnoticed.
Why was he born premature?
Since the gynae wasn’t there at the birth, she is not 100% sure. But because of the amount of blood that came out, and also because the placenta came out at the same time as the baby, she thinks it may have been due to placenta abruption, where the placenta lining separates from the uterus. This often causes bleeding and pain before the birth, but I didn’t experience either, so we really don’t know.
After reading up more, I realised this is actually quite a dangerous condition, especially if there are no signs. My baby could have just died from lack of oxygen and nutrients, without me even realising it! Thank God that he came out early so he could get help.
What does his birth certificate say?
Place of birth: “Junction of Paya Lebar Road and Geylang East Central”
You saved a lot on hospital fees!
We saved on doctor’s fees, and I was discharged the next day. Unfortunately, Baby’s lungs were not well developed, and he had other issues. So he had to stay for 9 days in the NICU.
Do you know of an unusual birth story?
This lady gave birth on Jetstar Airlines… and named her baby Jet Star!!
I have fond memories of reading The Berenstain Bears series when I was a kid. It has cute and cuddly characters, and teaches values based on Christian principles.
So when it was becoming a challenge to pry Ethan from watching endless Youtube videos or games on the laptop or handphone, I was happy to find that The Berenstain Bears have kept up with the times, and there was a book titled ‘Computer Trouble‘.
I’ve been reading it with Ethan for a few weeks now, and he loves it! He identifies with the story, and about how the bears spend all their time on the computer. When the bears try to think about activities that they can do instead of being on the computer, Ethan gets excited because he does those things too – play with sand, go to the playground, play football…
I relate the story back to him when he insists on watching yet ANOTHER video, and I’ve had mixed success. Sometimes he readily accepts another activity. Other times, the crying and tantrums still ensue.
The only thing about the storyline is that all the alternate activities are outdoors. In Singapore, it’s a little hard to always channel the kids outdoors because it is either too hot or rainy for most of the day! We make the most of the magical hour between 5pm-6pm, where the kids can run around in the playground and work off some of that energy. As they get older, they are starting to appreciate some tabletop games as well, like jigsaw puzzles. I’m all for non-screentime activities, and I’m always looking for new things to do with them.
What are your child’s favourite indoor activities? I’d love to hear from you and try it out!
This is the team that EJ calls ‘family’, and one that he is a diehard, get-on-your-knees-and-pray-at-the-89th-minute type of fan.
Manchester United haven’t had a good season in a while, and their recent loss means they are out of the Champions League – which is a big deal, apparently.
I’ve played sports for my school, and recreationally. But I don’t come close to understanding what this kind of loss feels like, and I don’t know how to comfort EJ, who is downcast, muttering to himself, shaking his head, not eating well, can’t concentrate on his work… basically, the symptoms of mild depression.
So, attempting to be more empathetic, I asked him what a person should say, or shouldn’t say to him, in moments like these. Here’s his suggestions.
Do NOT say…
“They will do better next time.”
“They’re still in the top 5.”
and especially do NOT say… “It’s good that you didn’t stay up to watch the game until 4am then.”
“What do you think went wrong?”
“What can they do better next time?”
This gives him the chance to air his grievances, and also show his analytical skills and knowledge of the game and the players. And talking it out makes it seem like there are things that can be done about the situation, and satisfies his need to be a problem solver.
But, if everything else fails to bring him out of depression, a heavy dose of silence while watching Youtube videos of Manchester United’s best goals might do the trick!
It was a Saturday, and EJ was working. His mum was at a retreat and his dad suddenly made plans to be out as well. So it was just me and the kids, going solo!
I used to think I could get by with a single stroller for Ethan and putting Elijah in a carrier. But that proved to be too difficult to manage when I needed to be fully hands on for Ethan – during diaper changes, tantrums and when he just wanted to be carried.
So, the number one thing that I’ve found useful in solo outings is the twin stroller. I’ve tried a few.
Very easy for the kid at the back to get in and out. And they seemed to enjoy the “freedom” of being less constrained
The folding mechanism is a little bit of a hassle, and requires both hands
When the front seat is fully reclined, the back passenger can’t even stand
The back seat is only usable if the front seat is fully upright. If the front seat is slightly reclined, the back passenger will need to stand
So finally, I’ve found a stroller that I LOVE.
3. Maclaren Twin Techno
I bought a second hand one a few weeks ago from Carousell. It is a side-by-side stroller, which initially was a turn off. But I found that it fits through narrow doors and HDB lifts, and the physics of it (just a single row of seats) makes it easier to turn as compared to the front/back strollers that I’ve tried before.
But the best thing is that both seats individually recline, so both kids can sleep (although it is rare to have both sleeping at the same time!). And, without the bumper bar, Ethan can get in and out by himself, which gives him more independence, and is easier for me because he is getting to be quite a weight!
It’s a one hand folding mechanism, and collapses into a compact umbrella fold with a convenient carry handle. So, although it weighs in at 12.2kg, it is very manageable.
The canopies are not big, so it doesn’t block the sun very well, which has caused the kids to wake up from their nap on a few occasions, especially with the recent heat wave we’ve been having
It’s difficult to access the storage baskets when the seats are reclined
An additional middle handle would be useful when one-handed steering is needed
Overall, it has been one of my best investments. I’ve gone on solo trips on the train, to Gardens by the Bay, to the library, and to Sentosa. I’m looking forward to expanding that list because there’s just something special about hanging out – just me and my boys.